What Would Jesus Hate?

Jesus. Showing “Titanic” as the onboard movie?!?!? No wonder your Martha-blessed sea monstrosity went on a fat people in sweat pants tossin’ spree! My Dad says that there’s nothin’ like 16-18 degrees of tilt to remind his children that He is not fond of fate tempting… or Leo.

Jesus. Granted, 99% of the “injuries” could have been treated with a dollop of “Stop Faking it Like a Little Girl, its Embarrassing” topical ointment (a product not yet available in Portugal, Brazil or Italy), but, not blessed was anyone who had a real injury and was left in the hands of these sideline witch doctors. I swear I saw one of them put leaches on a guy. Armed with advanced techniques like water soaking, hand rubbing and “magic spray” (shockingly and inappropriately applied to an Italian man’s rumpus during the USA match), these medieval medicine men had players longing for the dirt floor operating rooms of Guadalajara, Mexico. As for ye shameless fakers, be thy warned: nothing makes my smoting finger itchier than someone exceeding the “One Barrel Roll of Agony per Injury” rule.

Since when did it become cool to wear sandals made out of rubber? You never saw Steve Erwin or Ghandi donning a pear of neon waffle stompers. And one of them actually hunted crocs! In my day, we made sandals out of reeds, cowhide, and Elmer’s glue. And they chaffed like the Dickens. “Raw feet make good penance,” my dad always said. Did you know you can make your very own crocs? Find a tire, or take if off the nearest Hyundai, put it on the oven, throw in a few condoms and melt them until they looks somewhat like shoe, poke some holes in it with a skewer. Take it out, put it on your feet. Voila! Now you can walk down the street until I strike you with a lightning bolt for looking like a fashionless douchebag. Preach on, brother!

Jesus. I hate Digg and all the people who “Digg”. They are the snarkiest asses on the planet. It’s like an army of “Nick Burns, the company computer guy”. Maybe I should have titled this post: “The top 10 ways to scoff about scoffing at the Nintendo Wii”. Extra salvation points for anyone who posts their choice for the snarkiest comment on digg. Let’s call it The World’s Biggest Digghead contest.

Jesus. This girl is what we in heaven call a “no talent ass clown”. Now, most no talent ass clowns are relegated to working at the Dollar Store or making churros and chocolate on the corner. But just like my dad hooked me up with some sweet sandals, her daddy hooked her up with a sweet inheritance. In my day, you either had to make some tablets, part the friggin sea, or get eaten by a whale to get attention. Now all you need is money, a dog, and catch phrase. Oh, you will definatey be saying “That’s hot” in your future. Also, I don’t much care for videos of yourn greenified privies besmirching the eyes of so many innocent young boys.

Jesus. Why in my world would anyone be caught dead with a camo fanny pack? It’s bad enough to own A fanny pack, let alone one that makes you look like you have a forrest in your nether-region. As a matter of fact my pops said that when rapture comes no one sporting a fanny pack will be saved. Neither will anyone with a bumper sticker that reads “This car will be umanned in case of rapture”. Why? Because he loves irony. (Hence Fox news.) So all that will be left in 5 years (read the bible - it says the word will end then right under the part where it talks about gay marriage) will be whores, drug dealers, half the population of Alabama, Flanders, your next door neighbor who drives the 1985 station wagon, and Paris Hilton.

Hello world. Jesus here. I’ve come back like Jerry Fallwel said I would, but I’m not quite ready to show myself, so I decided to start this here blog and tell thee what’s pissing me off these days. Everybody always says “Jesus loves this” and “Jesus loves that fruit basket”, but I gotta tell you - there’s some stuff I really hate. Like fruit baskets. So stay tuned and I will let you know. Call it the “new” new testament. Praise be to pops for helping me with this thing and inventing the internet. Well him and Al Gore. Amen.