What Would Jesus Hate?

Jesus. Ok, so I loved him in Top Gun even though I know they made him wear platform shoes so nobody would notice he was 5′ 2″. He was also pretty good in that one where he rides around in a cab with the guy from Booty Call. But ever since he joined that cult, he’s been going downhill. And now that he’s a daddy, he’s going even more googa-mental than Eminem (when he started whining about Haley in every song). Apparently they recently invited Posh and Becks to come behold the baby, but laid down some crazy ass rules like “don’t touch it or talk to it”. I remember when I was born, Joe was like “just don’t let your camel eat it, but other than that, whatever.” Hell, one of the wise men totally spilled some hot myrrh on me when he tripped over one of the sheep. Even though his gift was way lamer than gold, I let it go. Such is the way of Jesus.

Jesus. Now I was pretty pissed off at Mel for throwing all that ketchup on me in The Passion. And he totally left out the good dance numbers. But now he goes and has a little too much of the bloof of me and belligerently yells some Hitleresque s#%! at a cop. Hey, I have a lot of friends who are jews, and only some of them run the media (which surprisingly covered this story 24 hours a day. hmm.) And jews are not responsible for ALL the wars in the world. Hello? Ever hear of The Crusades? By the way, Mel, I’m still waiting for that royalty check from the Passion. These spinnin rims Jesus has his eye on ain’t gonna buy themselves. You better pony up before you fall even more off your rocker.

Jesus. This girl is what we in heaven call a “no talent ass clown”. Now, most no talent ass clowns are relegated to working at the Dollar Store or making churros and chocolate on the corner. But just like my dad hooked me up with some sweet sandals, her daddy hooked her up with a sweet inheritance. In my day, you either had to make some tablets, part the friggin sea, or get eaten by a whale to get attention. Now all you need is money, a dog, and catch phrase. Oh, you will definatey be saying “That’s hot” in your future. Also, I don’t much care for videos of yourn greenified privies besmirching the eyes of so many innocent young boys.