Jesus hates Glenn Beck
August 22nd, 2006 at 9:11 pm (The Gospel)
Jesus. I thought Nancy Grace was the only ambulatory bag of trash CNN could find in the Devry Journalism Program trash bin. Imagine a skinny Rush Limbaugh*, talking to you like you’re five (but more condescendingly), and yelling about the end of the world like his cue cards are being scribbled by a half-drunk homeless man. But even armageddon-prophesizing hobos don’t begin their rants with “I don’t think anybody in their right mind is going to say this out loud…” and spout off such ignorant and racist remarks.
Now, this isn’t very becoming of a savior, but I gotta say - I kind of want to chew this guy’s face off sometimes. Am I alone in this? Maybe I should have more tolerance for raving bigoted douchebags with syndicated prime time news shows. I guess if Hitler brought in the ratings, CNN wouldn’t mind giving him his own show just before the Hollywood gossip hour. What the hell happened to “news” on news channels?
*By the way, in case you missed Rush’s “bone voyage”, he was caught a little while ago sneaking boner pills from the Dominican Republic under his doctor’s name.
Jesus. What’s with the fat man at JFK asking me to take my sandals off at the gate and frisking my robe like it’s some sort of creepy Government-Mandated 
Jesus. Showing “Titanic” as the onboard movie?!?!? No wonder your Martha-blessed sea monstrosity went on a fat people in sweat pants tossin’ spree! My Dad says that there’s nothin’ like 16-18 degrees of tilt to remind his children that He is not fond of fate tempting… or Leo.
Jesus. Granted, 99% of the “injuries” could have been treated with a dollop of “Stop Faking it Like a Little Girl, its Embarrassing” topical ointment (a product not yet available in Portugal, Brazil or Italy), but, not blessed was anyone who had a real injury and was left in the hands of these sideline witch doctors. I swear I saw one of them put leaches on a guy. Armed with advanced techniques like water soaking, hand rubbing and “magic spray” (shockingly and inappropriately applied to an Italian man’s rumpus during the USA match), these medieval medicine men had players longing for the dirt floor operating rooms of Guadalajara, Mexico. As for ye shameless fakers, be thy warned: nothing makes my smoting finger itchier than someone exceeding the “One Barrel Roll of Agony per Injury” rule.
Since when did it become cool to wear sandals made out of rubber? You never saw Steve Erwin or Ghandi donning a pear of neon waffle stompers. And one of them actually hunted crocs! In my day, we made sandals out of reeds, cowhide, and Elmer’s glue. And they chaffed like the Dickens. “Raw feet make good penance,” my dad always said. Did you know you can make your very own crocs? Find a tire, or take if off the nearest Hyundai, put it on the oven, throw in a few condoms and melt them until they looks somewhat like shoe, poke some holes in it with a skewer. Take it out, put it on your feet. Voila! Now you can walk down the street until I strike you with a lightning bolt for looking like a fashionless douchebag. 
Hello world. Jesus here. I’ve come back like Jerry Fallwel said I would, but I’m not quite ready to show myself, so I decided to start this here blog and tell thee what’s pissing me off these days. Everybody always says “Jesus loves this” and “Jesus loves that fruit basket”, but I gotta tell you - there’s some stuff I really hate. Like fruit baskets. So stay tuned and I will let you know. Call it the “new” new testament. Praise be to pops for helping me with this thing and inventing the internet. Well him and Al Gore. Amen.