What Would Jesus Hate?

Jesus. I got tired of dragging my pipe organs everywhere so I asked dad to get me an iPod. It’s become the hottest thing in heaven lately. Even Einstein, the biggest dork up here, was making fun of me for not having one.

Since dad told me “thou shalt not pirate Ace of Base”, I ended up downloading iTunes. Plus, if RIAA will sue dead people, I’m sure they will sue the sun of God, God himself, and even God’s grandma (even though there is no such being in existence) for even thinking about pirating music.

So I installed iTunes, which annoyingly made me install Quicktime (which I also hate, not to mention it sounds whoreish, like “Paris got chaffed from all the quicktime” ). My iPod is telling me, the sun of God mind you, that I can’t disconnect it while it just sits there not doing a damn thing. I am seriously getting ready to crack this thing with a rock and bestow my vengeance upon it like i’ve never bestowed vengeance upon any other small electronic device before. iHell is more like it.

One more thing, don’t believe the hype. iTunes is no better than ye olde record companies. The artist gets an average of 6 cents per dollar download. Read more.

Jesus. Anyone who’s been watching Headline News has seen this dad-awful commercial. It keeps repeating “Head On: Apply directly to the forehead” about a hundred times and shows a woman UHU’ing her forehead. Now - I’m no stranger to smearing waste on my forehead - I do it every ash Wednesday. But this is ridiculous.

Head on is just a stick of UHU paper glue. It’s meant to prep your forehead so you can stick a “world’s biggest moron” sticker to you head for having spent $6 dollars on a tube of snakeoil. Now they’re also advertising Active On for elbows and Freedhem hemroid cream for your a**. But you know where to stick the last one so they don’t actually need to pound it into your head a hundred times.

Plus the commercial never wants you about the dangers of overusing the product: (click to enlarge)

CNN is going to hell for airing this damned commercial so much! If you want the same the placebo effect, you might as well rub a Jesus figurine from the Dollar Store on your forehead. And you’ll only be out a dollar.

Jesus. I’m so sick and tired of hearing about “Mary sightings” in anything from a sandwich to a broken ass window to a drippy chocolate mess. For ME’s-sake, people, not everything that’s oddly misshapen or has been splattered somewhere is my mom. Hell, anything can look like my mom if you squint hard enough, even a soupy pile of wires. (By the way, I don’t see Roy M. calling up CNN.) How did I find this miracle? Do me a favor, go to Flickr.com and type in ANYTHING in “find a photo of” and see how many pictures you have to go through until you find the general outline of my mom in it (mine was the first photo for “mess” - 2 seconds). Then, call up Headline News, ask to talk to Robin Meade, and tell her that you want your story featured right after she’s done shamelessly flirting with the sports guy.

I once pooped something that looked like Moses. Looking back on it, I think I could have sold it on ebay for $25,000. But back then our ebay was called “the market” and I’m pretty sure I would have gotten arrested by the Romans if I was walking around town square trying to hock poo to stupid people.

Jesus. Why in my world would anyone be caught dead with a camo fanny pack? It’s bad enough to own A fanny pack, let alone one that makes you look like you have a forrest in your nether-region. As a matter of fact my pops said that when rapture comes no one sporting a fanny pack will be saved. Neither will anyone with a bumper sticker that reads “This car will be umanned in case of rapture”. Why? Because he loves irony. (Hence Fox news.) So all that will be left in 5 years (read the bible - it says the word will end then right under the part where it talks about gay marriage) will be whores, drug dealers, half the population of Alabama, Flanders, your next door neighbor who drives the 1985 station wagon, and Paris Hilton.